RAISING CHILDREN COMPASSIONATELY; PARENTING WITH NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION
MONDAYS AUGUST 23 & 30
WOODSTOCK, NEW YORK
7:45-9:45 pm
Bliss Yoga, Deming St in Woodstock, NY
register: info@steps2peace.com
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PARENTING ADULT CHILDREN-
Creating Meaning, Authenticity, Intimacy and Harmony with Nonviolent Communication flyer
TUESDAYS SEPTEMBER 21 & 28
7-9 pm
Shakti Yoga
1685 Sawkill Rd, Woodstock NY
(off Zena Rd)
sliding scale- $40-80 for the series
register: info@steps2peace.com
WEEKEND BASIC EMPATHY TRAINING
SEPTEMBER 24-26
Newmarket, New Hampshire
Weekend retreat with Shantigarbha and Roberta Wall flyer
From Roberta: Shantigarbha is an NVC trainer from England; he leads a reconciliation project in Sri Lanka after the civil war there. I am so excited to assist him at this weekend retreat in the feast of New Hampshire autumn color.
Feedback from Roberta's recent classes:
"Roberta,
I have to thank you again, not so much for myself, but my sister was transformed by your modeling of NVC. She knew there was something to it, but I guess I wasn't getting across the core idea of allowing yourself time to get in touch with how you feel, and what the need is, before responding to someone's triggering words or behavior. Maybe it's because I'm her brother.
I have to take some credit though, since I've been trying to model NVC for almost 2 years now! She already has started to use it with her kids, ex-, etc, with immediate results.
I'm sure she'll be getting in touch with you to do a group in her town."
"After attending the workshop two weeks ago, my home life with my family has shifted to an easier peaceful place already.
One afternoon workshop with Roberta has already had a positive impact in my home life."
For additional information about Nonviolent Communication go to www.cnvc.org
"The decision to parent with NVC is grounded in a commitment to nurturing trust and connection within the parent-child relationship.With NVC parents can experience compassion both toward their children and toward themselves, express themselves with power and care, find strategies for daily living that are more likely to meet everyone's needs and increase trust that everyone's needs matter, even when we do not find strategies to meet everyone's needs.
By transforming parenting, parents can participate in raising a generation of children who have models for living peacefully and compassionately, and who have the skills and consciousness needed to contribute to a peaceful society."
Inbal Kashtan, Bay Area NVC
What is our true purpose as parents?
With Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, we learn to model and teach younger children that their needs matter and, as children grow, we help them learn how to ask for what they need in ways that are not at the expense of their well being or their connection with others, or at the expense of other people's needs.
The NVC parenting model is Life Enriching and Life Affirming as opposed to the model that is either excessively permissive or based on domination. This means that with NVC we identify and value what is important to everyone in the family, and learn skills, consciousness and ways of expression which reflect this value. This builds trust and communication, and creates the possibility for parenting that reflects the values of compassion and honesty.
In this workshop we will learn an alternative to getting down on yourself when you are less than "the perfect parent" and communication skills and consciousness
to use in the family that model the peace, communication and respect you want for the world.
Private Sessions/Coaching/Mediation: contact Roberta to schedule : info@steps2peace.com
Please note that all cost amounts for Roberta's workshops are requests and we welcome inquiries about discounts.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC),
developed by Marshall Rosenberg, helps connect us
with what is alive in ourselves and in others moment-to-moment, with what we or
others could do to make life more wonderful, and with an awareness of what gets
in the way of natural giving and receiving. Imagine
connecting with the human spirit, in each person, in any situation. Imagine interacting with others in a
way that allows everyone's needs to be equally valued. Imagine creating relationships,
communities and organizations that are life-serving and life- enriching.
NVC is a transformational life practice. There is a common life force that moves through all of us, through all life. Some call it Divine Energy or flow; some call it life energy. It is what we mean when we talk about core needs and values in NVC. NVC offers us a door to living in awareness and connection with that energy and flow- it speaks to the longing in all of us to communicate from the depth of our authenticity and to meet the other person in their depth of authenticity. Various tools and practices from NVC remind us to touch that authenticity from which we are trying to communicate. The consciousness and skills of NVC show us how to connect with what is alive in ourselves and in others moment-to-moment, with what we or others could do to make life more wonderful, and with an awareness of what gets in the way of natural giving and receiving.
Roberta offers private consultations, mediation, communication coaching and dispute resolution.
Trainings for Mediators
Trainings for Intentional Communities
Trainings for Sustainable and Life Serving Businesses
Communication Skills for Caregivers
Empathy before Education- How can I really master that?
register and inquiries at info@steps2peace.com
Poughkeepsie:
There is an NVC practice group in Poughkeepsie that meets every Monday evening at 6. This group has been ongoing since last winter and is welcoming new members. Contact Ralph Stein, at steinralph07@gmail.com or 845 590 7997.
New Paltz:
Susan Reeves continues to host two practice groups a week! http://www.practicingpeace-newpaltz.com/
 Roberta Wall offers trainings inspired by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication. Contact her at info@steps2peace.com |
Roberta Wall is a lawyer, mediator, trainer, parent, activist, mindfulness practitioner and coach. She lives in the beautiful Hudson River Valley of Upstate New York and travels the world coaching couples, individuals and organizations and facilitating workshops and retreats inspired by Empathic and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. Roberta's teachings also are informed and inspired by many teachers including NVC trainers Robert Gonzales and Barbara Larson, Buddhist teachers Thich Nhat Hanh and the Dalai Lama, and teachers and rabbis from her root Jewish tradition. Roberta offers workshops in service of peaceful resolution of conflict, individual and organizational growth, and community and spiritual development. Her clients and students include individuals, organizations, businesses, communities and families throughout the world. She offers trainings to public and private institutions, networks and organizations, government and social services agencies, lawyers, mediators, schools, doctors and social workers. 48 Blue Mountain Manor Saugerties, New York 12477 845 246 5935 Between a stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. The last of human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances. - Viktor Frankl |
NVC at work in Israel and Palestine
Roberta is available for talks and workshops in your community!
Read more on my blog:
http://robertaindia.wordpress.com/
From Roberta, after an NVC training in Bethlehem:
Toward the end of the 2 1/2 hour session, I was feeling uneasy, maybe hopeless, wondering if this will really make a contribution to peace. Can this training really contribute to the Palestinian women in the room, to Israelis, religious and secular, all of whom are deeply longing for freedom, choice, stability, a community where their children, families and cultures will thrive?
Just then, a Palestinian woman who had spoken several times during the class series about her needs for appreciation in her family and also about her suffering at the checkpoint, blurted out, "I want to learn Hebrew. I want to be able to speak directly to Israelis. Then we can make peace."One after the other, the women sitting around her said, "me too. I want to learn Hebrew."
My heart leaped with surprise and delight. After two hours of giving each other empathy in the room, empathy for our hopelessness, for the hardships, the longing for freedom and empowerment, without any pressure, a new solution! A new strategy arises. This is the miracle of listening and connecting, of empowering people, with the support of NVC ,to create solutions.
A friend in Jerusalem, a Rabbi, agreed to travel to Bethlehem weekly to give Hebrew classes. This hasn't worked out yet. We are looking for volunteer Hebrew teachers in Jerusalem and other support to get this going!
From a recent email from Israel:
Background: After an NVC workshop here, members of this religious community in Israel consulted me as an opportunity to "put NVC into action" when they were upset to see markings on the wall of a newly constructed community facility. The NVC model and consciousness helped us identify and connect to the needs of the community that weren't met by what happened; and then people opened to exploring the needs that the person was wanting to meet by doing what she did. We guessed her needs may have been creativity, self expression and inclusion.
I was deeply moved by the love,openness and willingness of the community members to value her needs. Out of this work together, a new strategy arose- to invite the person to create a beautiful mural in the space.
This is an excerpt from a recent email I received:
After... Rivka (name changed) has started to paint the bathroom in beautiful blues and greens and it looks so far very watery. I look forward to seeing it being completed. I'm so happy that we were able to resolve that situation without anyone being put down, hurt, humiliated, etc.
...Actually, last Rosh Chodesh I hardly was able to go, but the one thing I went to, was Hagit's (NVC) workshop. It was very interesting, especially since I had had a very giraffe/coyote exchange with my husband that I shared. Y.( name changed) had been holding on to all these suits of his father's and they've been in our very small house with it's very limited storage space for over 18 years!! And every year when I was doing Pesach cleaning, I'd beg him to please do something with them, anything, but to get rid of them. Anyway, 18 years later, I said to him, "I assume that you're attached to your father's suits and you don't want to get rid of them, that they are a connection to your father." And of course, he agreed. Two days later, the morning of the rosh chodesh gathering, he announces to me that he's getting rid of the suits and he did!! It was nothing short of a miracle!
From one of my NVC teachers, Robert Gonzalez :
What is my intention? To stay
connected to authenticity and aliveness and to enter into relationship with
others to serve this intention. This is something I want to re-visit daily as a
reminder of how I want to live.
There is this life that flows through
me and there is this life that flows through you. What does this life want?
http://nvctraining.com/courses/telecourses/RG/fullness-of-life-201001/index.html?utm_source=homepage&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=RG-fullness
I want to give you some feedback on our class. I am enjoying being in your class, and your presence, having been away from your teaching for over a year now.
More on NVC and Buddhism:
http://shambhalatimes.org/2009/01/31/buddhism-and-nonviolent-communication/
Roberta's NVC Blog
March 2010
My exploration into NVC and mindfulness continues to deepen and enrich my life and teachings. Here are excerpts fromTHich Nhat Hanh's conversation with Oprah on compassionate listening:
Thich Nhat Hanh :Deep listening is the kind of
listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call
it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help him or
her to empty his heart. Even if he says things that are full of wrong
perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen
with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, you give that
person a chance to suffer less. If you want to help him to correct his
perception, you wait for another time. For now, you don't interrupt. You don't
argue. If you do, he loses his chance. You just listen with compassion and help
him to suffer less. One hour like that can bring transformation and healing.
Oprah: I love this idea of deep listening, because often when someone
comes to you and wants to vent, it's so tempting to start giving advice. But if
you allow the person just to let the feelings out, and then at another time
come back with advice or comments, that person would experience a deeper
healing. That's what you're saying.
Nhat Hanh: Yes. Deep listening helps us to recognize the existence of
wrong perceptions in the other person and wrong perceptions in us. The other
person has wrong perceptions about himself and about us. And we have wrong
perceptions about ourselves and the other person. And that is the foundation
for violence and conflict and war. The terrorists, they have the wrong
perception. They believe that the other group is trying to destroy them as a
religion, as a civilization. So they want to abolish us, to kill us before we
can kill them. And the antiterrorist may think very much the same way—that
these are terrorists and they are trying to eliminate us, so we have to
eliminate them first. Both sides are motivated by fear, by anger, and by wrong
perception. But wrong perceptions cannot be removed by guns and bombs. They
should be removed by deep listening, compassionate listening, and loving space.
Oprah: The only way to end war is communication between people.
Nhat Hanh: Yes. We should be able to say this: "Dear friends, dear
people, I know that you suffer. I have not understood enough of your
difficulties and suffering. It's not our intention to make you suffer more. It
is the opposite. We don't want you to suffer. But we don't know what to do and
we might do the wrong thing if you don't help us to understand. So please tell
us about your difficulties. I'm eager to learn, to understand." We have to
have loving speech. And if we are honest, if we are true, they will open their
hearts. Then we practice compassionate listening, and we can learn so much
about our own perception and their perception. Only after that can we help
remove wrong perception. That is the best way, the only way, to remove
terrorism.
Oprah: But what you're saying also applies to difficulties between
yourself and family members or friends. The principle is the same, no matter
the conflict.
Nhat Hanh: Right. And peace negotiations should be conducted in that
manner. When we come to the table, we shouldn't negotiate right away. We should
spend time walking together, eating together, making acquaintance, telling each
other about our own suffering, without blame or condemnation. It takes maybe
one, two, three weeks to do that. And if communication and understanding are
possible, negotiation will be easier. So if I am to organize a peace
negotiation, I will organize it in that way.
Oprah: You'd start with tea?
Nhat Hanh: With tea and walking meditation.
Oprah: Mindful tea.
Nhat Hanh: And sharing our happiness and our suffering. And deep
listening and loving speech.
Oprah: Is there ever a place for anger?
Nhat Hanh: Anger is the energy that people use in order to act. But when
you are angry, you are not lucid, and you might do wrong things. That is why
compassion is a better energy. And the energy of compassion is very strong. We
suffer. That is real. But we have learned not to get angry and not to allow
ourselves to be carried by anger. We realize right away that that is fear. That
is corruption.
Oprah: What if in a moment of mindfulness you are being challenged? For
instance, the other day someone presented me with a lawsuit, and it's hard to
feel happy when somebody is going to be taking you to court.
Nhat Hanh: The practice is to go to the anxiety, the worry—
Oprah: The fear. First thing that happens is that fear sets in, like,
What am I going to do?
Nhat Hanh: So you recognize that fear. You embrace it tenderly and look
deeply into it. And as you embrace your pain, you get relief and you find out
how to handle that emotion. And if you know how to handle the fear, then you
have enough insight in order to solve the problem. The problem is to not allow
that anxiety to take over. When these feelings arise, you have to practice in
order to use the energy of mindfulness to recognize them, embrace them, look
deeply into them. It's like a mother when the baby is crying. Your anxiety is
your baby. You have to take care of it. You have to go back to yourself,
recognize the suffering in you, embrace the suffering, and you get relief. And
if you continue with your practice of mindfulness, you understand the roots,
the nature of the suffering, and you know the way to transform it.
October 9, 2009
The Thich Nhat Hanh retreat- Enlightenment is Now or
Never- inspires me to ask- what are we waiting for to embody compassion, to
devote ourselves to being in the world in a way that brings moments and more
moments of joy and enlightenment? How can I be present with people in
the way I truly want to be present? What is it like to be an Empathic
Presence? How can I "use Nonviolent Communication" without sounding
formulaic?
In my upcoming classes and workshops we will learn and practice together four
non formulaic steps to Being an Empathic Presence:
Pure Presence: What prevents me from staying present to the other person? Identifying habitual thoughts and emotions that come up inside me and prevent me from Being an Empathic Presence
Connecting, without formula or agenda, to the other person's experience of what is happening-
Connecting with what is deeply alive in the other person, by guessing their feelings and needs
Asking them if I have understood what is really in their hearts about this- what is important to them- making connecting requests.
October 1I'm about to leave for a five day retreat with a 1000 person-strong community that practices many of the core principles of Nonviolent Communication- its a gathering at the Blue Cliff Monastery of Vietnamese Zen Buddhist master Thich Nhat Hanh. One of the practices in this community for connecting is asking the other person, "my dear, have I understood everything that is in your heart?" In NVC, we call this a "connecting request." Try it!!! When someone comes to you and shares something that is important to them, listen fully and then ask them if they would like to hear you reflect back to them what you have heard them say. Then after doing that, ask them if you have heard everything that is in their heart about this? Maybe there's more. Maybe there's a hug. After you both feel a connection with what is important to the other person, you can ask for the floor yourself- ask if they are willing to hear what is important to you about this.
Remember, when you are sharing what is important to you, you are more likely to be received with attention and connection if you stop and check in with the other person after only 40 or so words and if you stay away from judgments and fix its about the other person- stick to "I feel this way ( see the “Feelings” sheet at the resource page of www.cnvc.org ) because I really thrive on" (see the "Needs" sheet on the NVC resources page)!
Good luck!! I’d Love to hear from you if you did any of this and how it worked for you.
New Column:
Your NVC Story Here- Hundreds of people have been practicing NVC in the Hudson
Valley-Let's share our successes and insights HERE with each other!!
Send your story to info@steps2peace.com
From a Saugerties NVCer:
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An ongoing romantic relationship
has been helped tremendously by my understanding and practice of
Nonviolent Communication. What began as a friendship progressed to a
more romantic involvement, then it seemed to revert back to friendship, but
then it re-reverted to a more serious yet lighter (if those two attributes
can co-exist) romantic relationship. While this back and forth may seem
like a recipe for turmoil, it hasn't been that way, and I think the
difference has been my understanding of her needs and feelings as well as my
own. I have been able to hear whatever
she's said about our involvement with each other as an expression of her own
needs. While I was sad at times because I wanted something other than
what was, my being clear about what she needed allowed me to simply enjoy
what was because I recognized just how many of my needs were being met by the
quality of the time we were spending together. The level of
communication between us has been deep, and this has been so gratifying and
satisfying. My NVC experience has met my need for understanding
and communication and connection. I'm excited about this, too! |
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From Mary Oliver's latest volume, Red Bird,
"Invitation": |
Oh do you have time
to linger
for just a little while
out of your busy
and very important day
for the goldfinches
that have gathered
in a field of thistles
for a musical battle,
to see who can sing
the highest note,
or the lowest,
or the most expressive of
mirth,
or the most tender?
Their strong blunt beaks
drink the air
as they strive
melodiously
not for your sake
and not for mine
and not for the sake of winning
but for sheer delight and gratitude–
believe us, they say,
it is a serious thing
just to be alive
on this fresh morning
in this broken world.
I beg of you,
do not walk by
without pausing
to attend to this
rather ridiculous performance.
It could mean something.
It could mean everything.
It could be what Rilke meant, when he wrote:
You must change your life
Late, rainy August. If
you are like me, it’s really hard to get motivated
to do anything with all
this rain. It seems like a metaphor
for life- flooded with feelings, stresses, tasks, and I get triggered. I
tell myself it’s the rain, the external, and, after a bit of searching, I see it’s
the inner weather report that is at the root and that I can direct my inquiry
and energy to. Every time. Come deepen our Nonviolent Communication Self
Empathy practice- let's look at, and embrace, and find the wisdom of, our
internal images and self judgments that are at the root of why we get
triggered. Join us in this exploration this
September.
August: I've just returned from an NVC Family Camp on
July: This blog entry ends with a new poem from Mary Oliver (scroll
down) that unfolds the gift of taking your time. Watching the first
mesclun seedlings bravely unfurl from the soil this morning, the ducks linger
lazily on the creek- everywhere the world is teaching us to "take your
time." And what about in our relationships? In the most precious jewel of intimate
and satisfying connection with another human being- what stops us from taking
our time to connect? From lingering with the tender shoots of intimacy
when our loved ones reveal what is in their hearts- their vulnerability that
comes with fear, anger, frustration, love. Sometimes it’s hard to hear the
beauty and vulnerability in the message. Whether we step into NVC for business
mediation, a conflict with a loved one, self inquiry, or deepening an
important relationship, NVC is our ally in learning to take our time to let the
tender shoot of connection unfurl.
April '09
I’ve been thinking a lot this month
about hard –to- hear messages and difficult- to -deliver messages. A friend was
telling me the other day about a friend of hers who said to her, “when you do
this, you make me feel resentful.” And then I received an email two days
ago, that ended with, “ We have been more than accommodating of your
requests to date but your behavior is now causing our family a great deal of
stress.”
Do you,
like me, feel a tightening in your belly just hearing these messages? I
know I am triggered as soon as I feel that tightening, and in this triggered
state, I am only able to hear one thing - someone blaming another person for
the way they feel, holding the other person responsible for how they feel. I’ve
lost my mindfulness, my NVC, my aspirations to hear and listen to others with
an open heart and compassion.
My
exploration of NVC these days is very focused on understanding what happens
that sends me to this triggered place? How can I hear a difficult message, and
get to the place where I only hear someone saying “please” to me- where I
can hear their “please” as a gift to me- the gift of letting me know what is
important to them, alive in them, what I could do to make life more wonderful
for them. How do I get there from the triggered place, and how can I change my
habitual responses so that I go there instead of to the habitually triggered
places?
I’d love to hear from you how you are
working with these same issues, and whether this speaks to what is important to
you in your communication and transformation?
Passover and Nonviolent Communication
Mitzrayim is the word in the
Torah for the triggered place- where you go, what happens, when you hear
something or see something or think something that sends you into a tight
closed place- in ancient Hebrew texts, that place is Mitzrayim- Egypt. Passover
is the story and map for how we as individuals and as a people can transform
the stuck places inside of us and around us. Pharoah- the inner or
outer Pharoah- is stuck, identified with what we call in NVC a life ailenated
place- a place where we have stoped up the flow of life, so can't
see the other person's aliveness and can't access the place inside
ourself where that flow can bring us into connection.
" Liberating your Dream "is
an NVC workshop where we work individually, in small groups, and then in the
group as a whole, to identify our dream of freedom for ourself, then meet (give
empathy to) the inner voices that hold us back from stepping into freedom. And
then we put ourselves into connection with the energy of our dream- what we
want to do or say, but have been held back by fear or other obstacles.
With
Parents and Children:
"Have to let you know that when my 18-month old was
enjoying the sound of slamming the cabinet door this morning I said,
"Sawyer, I really need some peace for a little while. Can you help me with
that?" He shut the door, sat down, and started to do a puzzle. Crazy! It
is much simpler than trying to be patient for 5 minutes and then losing
it!"
We dream that all
parents everywhere find relief from struggling with their children and have all
the support they need to raise their children in accordance with their values. We want to build a
society where parents cherish and enjoy time with their children,
attend to their own needs for rest, rejuvenation and self-care, and have
meaningful and supportive relationships with their significant others. We
want to help parents gain the skills to inspire joyful cooperation from
their children and teach them the values they hold dear, while forming strong,
life-long bonds with them.
www.steps2peace.com
With Couples:
“Roberta created a safe
place and supportively guided us to be honest and loving and I am happy to
report it sent us down a path of closeness again...”
At retreats and
workshops:
"As I watched Roberta roll with the
different flows of the retreat, I was inspired to let go of the controls a
little bit in my own life.”
"At the end of
the workshop I realized I saw for the first time that needs need not be in
conflict -that I can get my needs met, not at the expense of others getting
their needs met. Roberta is a great teacher and, full disclosure, she's
my mom!"
Private Coaching:
"Roberta's
skillful coaching helped me to understand the interplay between the thoughts
and feelings arising out of my needs and how the choices I make are always
attempts to meet those needs."
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With
organizations and businesses: |
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Roberta
coaches a start up company in Mysore, |